Having spent over a decade in kids, youth, and young adult ministries, I have noticed that one of the most common issues in the parent-child relationship comes during the teenage years. If there was a number one complaint I have received over the years, it is that both teenagers and parents of teenagers feel misunderstood, disrespected, and unheard. What is the fix for this? I’m glad you asked!
The most significant understanding of relationship change between the younger and teenage years is the relationship between authority and influence. This is a natural progression and an idea that was introduced to me by Tedd Tripp in his book Shepherding a Child’s Heart (which I highly recommend). The concept is simple. When a child is small and incapable of doing things, a parent has an exaggerated amount of authority. If the parent does not like what the baby is doing, they can physically pick up the baby and strap them into a highchair, put them in a crib, and leave them there. This is absolute authority and power, and it is pretty intense. Try doing that same thing with your 16-year-old. Most of us are not even powerful enough to physically pick up our teenagers, much less force them to prevent them from going somewhere and doing something physically. As a parent, you no longer have the same physical, absolute authority you used to have.
So, if we are not grounded in God’s word, what do we do to control teenagers? We sin. We threaten. We yell. We throw things. We give the cold shoulder. We manipulate. We embarrass. The list goes on. Is this God’s design for parenting teenagers? No. These are clear tell-tale signs that we have missed our exit on the road of life that transitions us from the parent of a toddler to the parent of a teenager. Living in west-central Illinois will teach you that missing your exit can sometimes add 20 minutes to an already long road trip. The same is true with parenting. When we miss the transition exit, there is ground to be made up. Praise the Lord for His grace because, without it, we would all just pull over on the side of the road and die in a pit of despair. Your identity is not found in the parent you have or have not been. Your identity is found perfectly in Christ. Walk in that freedom, and let’s do the hard work of turning the van around.
Knowing we cannot physically control our teenagers is helpful, but it is not an end in itself. What should we do if we can’t control them to do what we believe is best?
Embrace your role of being a primary influence in your child’s life. While your absolute authority has gone down in your child’s life, they are at an age where they are constantly seeking influence to help them in decision-making. Build trust and love with your child so they are open and receptive to your influence.
Repair any burnt bridges from past parenting failures. We all fail and fall short. Humbly embrace this truth and open the door for your child to tell you what is on their heart, where you may have hurt them, or when you provoked them to sin. Work to build an open communication channel with your teenager, actively and openly repent and ask for forgiveness for anything you have done wrong, and seek to make them better in the future. The best example you can give your child is not being a perfect parent, but a parent who regularly repents to their children.
Empower your teenagers to have ownership and to make their own decisions (within reason, given their age). The teenage staircase should be one where we regularly add more responsibility and opportunity for our child. You know what it is like to be an adult. What are your child’s current strengths and weaknesses? What would you like them to know before they fly out of the nest? Make a list, think it through, and then start intentionally discipling them in these areas one at a time.
Give them the freedom to fail. The last thing your teenager needs to hear after they get into a car accident, run out of gas, or fail a test is your lecture on what they should have done. The Bible says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Never coach in the middle of the pain. Be empathetic and sympathetic at the moment and find a quiet moment later that day or week to coach on what could’ve been done differently.
Embrace your role as a discipler of your teenager. Similar to the church, how we meet with other Christians to read God’s word, study it, talk about the things of life, and grow together. Begin to meet with your teenager and help them to grow into the adult God calls them to be.
Finally, remember to let go. Your children are only yours for a season (in a sense). While they will always be your son or daughter, they will eventually move out and start their own family. Your relationship with them will never be the same when they leave the home. Treasure the time you have with your little blessings. Honor God by sending them out equipped to raise the next generation better than you could. Trust them to God. They are God’s children first. He’s got this.
Parenting teenagers is one of the most painful and emotional rollercoasters any parent has to go through. So, what should your heart posture be?
“2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
James 1:2-4
If we focus on Christ, count it all joy when we suffer, and lead our teenagers in the way of wisdom. We can trust God with the outcome in their souls and ours. I encourage you to look at the years of raising teenagers and to count it all joy. God is doing a sanctifying work in your life and theirs.
May God bless your week as you seek His kingdom first!
Grace and Peace,
Pastor Dan
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